Callen's Psych Eval
by KBake
Summary: Callen's head is a scary place, but Nate does everything he can to get in and help him fight down his demons.  Takes place after Brimstone Ep. Spoiler alert for many episodes leading up to that episode.
1. The End and the Beginning

_This is my first story. Let me know what you think. I own no characters, just like having fun with them._

Takes place from the end of Brimstone, Christmas Episode

Nate returned to the Ops Center after dropping Tariq off with his family. Such great joy filled his heart as he watched the Marine reunite with his loved ones after months of physical and emotional turmoil and yet his heart still weighed heavy with the sadness of his own loss. This was the reason he became a psychologist, so he could see other's pain and help them to overcome it even if he knew he would never be given the opportunity to do the same for himself. What a great ending to such a stress filled day, and yet driving back toward Ops he felt a weight overcome him thinking about his teammates.

He sat in his car for a while thinking about his talk with Hetty earlier in the day and the events that led up to closing this case. He was frustrated about being stonewalled by the agents and feared the upcoming psych evals he would have to do. He remembered her saying, "In my experience, if you're patient, sooner or later the people who need to talk will seek you out often under the guise of some other intention... you just have to listen." That piece of advice weighed on Nate as he recalled some of the conversations he had with the agents the past few weeks, especially with Callen. He knew what his job entailed, but he also knew that profiling terrorists and agents was his greatest strength of all his psychological talents. However, doing therapy was an art and it was an art he was still developing and trying to become good at. Nevermind the fact that he worked with the most closed off, most emotionally stunted people in L.A., he saw their emotional shortcomings and psychological stressors as his failings.

Nate knew he was supposed to keep the agents mentally healthy, or at least stable, but the past few weeks he had only minimally helped and was beginning to notice how much more stressed and less put together each of his team mates had become. _It's taking a toll on their psyche and I've done nothing to help them relieve it. They simply won't let me,_ Nate thought to himself. Even debriefing the agents after every case was like trying to pull teeth from a lion. If anything, today showed Nate that he has gotten nowhere with Sam or Callen and that they see him as a toy to play with and make fun of instead of talk to. Nate would never let them know how hurt he felt, like a school kid on a playground who just got pushed down by the local bully, when they scared him into spilling his coffee all over his shirt.

Hetty was right, it was time to start opening his eyes and ears more and listening to everything his agents were telling him and then respond accordingly. Feeling more confident in himself, after processing the day in his head, Nate stepped out of the car and walked into Ops. He found his teammates drinking merrily with each other, picking on Kensi about her dating life and somewhat drunk from the alcohol Hetty had provided. Nate stood off to the side, out of sight initially just to observe the team enjoying each other. A few moments later he joined them with a smile on his face.

"Nate! Hey Doc, how did it go?" Callen asked sitting on the couch with a small grin on his face and a scotch in his hand.

Nate smiled, "I think it was just what the doctor ordered. Tariq is finally back where he belongs."

"And you Mr. Getz, are finally back where you belong." Hetty replied bringing over a glass filled with some scotch. Nate smiled appreciatively for the drink and the comment. Hetty turned around to face the team, "A toast, to Mr. Getz and all that he does to keep us sane and safe."

"Here, here. To Nate," everyone said lifting their glasses. While Nate appreciated the sentiment, he didn't feel like he deserved it, but he smiled and went along with it.

The team spent several more hours together drinking, blowing off some steam, and enjoying each other's company. After all it was Christmas Eve and none of them had any family close by or any that they even wanted to be with; this was their family. Nate was the first to say goodnight, still feeling out of place among the team, he decided to turn it in early and spend the night alone. Christmas Eve was always a rough night for him anyway, and instead of being around people who seemed to make fun of him more than talk to him, he decided to spend the rest of the holiday home alone.

Callen sat quietly watching as Nate sadly walked out debating on whether he should've said what he wanted to tell Nate, but decided to brush it off. Hetty, noticing Callen contemplating, approached Callen. She sat down on the couch next to him in silence for a moment, then said, "You know how lucky you are to have him on the team?" Callen nodded his head. Hetty continued, "He can be a real asset to your team if you let him Mr. Callen."

"He makes me nervous for some reason," Callen said looking in the direction Nate left wondering why the annoyingly happy psychologist seemed sad when he left.

Hetty asked innocently, "Because he might know more about you than you do Mr. Callen?"

Callen shook his head with uncertainty. "I don't know." He put his glass on the table giving up. "Maybe."

Hetty paused then looked back up at Callen, "He has always had your back Mr. Callen."

Callen looked over at Hetty surprised, "He's a psychologist Hetty, he has the best interest of NCIS in mind, not mine."

Hetty, almost insulted at what Callen was saying, sniped back at him, "That is not true Mr. Callen. Yes, it is Nate's job to speak up if the emotional state of its agents affect NCIS, but Nate has cut all of you a lot of slack, especially you Mr. Callen."

Callen didn't say anything, but seemed confused. Hetty continued, "You know the case we had several weeks ago concerning your shooting and Aleina? He wanted very much to pull you off that case, which any Operational Psychologist would have done, but Nate didn't hoping the case might give you more insight into your life; a mistake that could have cost him his job."

"I had no idea," Callen said guiltily.

"He genuinely cares about each of you. Maybe its time you show him the same in return." Hetty retorted then walked back into her office leaving Callen to ponder what she expected him do.

In the parking lot, as Nate opened his car door he heard a voice shout across the lot, "Hey Nate, wait up," Callen said approaching Nate's car. Nate turned around; it was Callen. "You have a sec?"

Nate looked at Callen gently, with a sense of hope in his eyes. "Of course. What's up?"

"You okay? You seemed a little bummed out for a guy who just reunited a Marine with his family on Christmas Eve?" Callen asked.

Nate put on his fake smile and looked over at Callen, "I'm fine Callen. Just the holidays."

"You going to see family tomorrow?" Callen asked.

"What's going on Callen?" Nate changed the subject almost uncomfortable with Callen's questions.

Callen looked down at the ground, hesitating for a brief moment, uncertain how to talk to Nate. Nate noticed his hesitation and patiently waited for Callen to continue, "I just wanted to apologize for earlier, you know the whole tie incident? Sam and I felt bad after you walked away somewhat peeved. We weren't trying to upset you and I realize that sometimes we take advantage of your gullible demeanor. Its just too hard to resist some days."

"Oh, I can take a joke." Nate smiled and chuckled in his goofy laugh then furrowed his eye brows in a mocking serious manner. "I'm a lot tougher than you think."

"I know you are." Callen paused and looked Nate in the eyes. Nate was looking back at Callen with intrigue. Every time he looked at Callen's blue eyes he could see the emptiness Callen carried with him. With Kensi he saw loss, with Sam he saw torment, but with Callen it was always a sad emptiness. Nate's face changed and he could sense there was something more to Callen's abrupt conversation.

Nate leaned his head down then back up at Callen, "What's wrong Callen?"

"I don't like talking to you Nate." Callen said frankly.

"Oh." Nate said somewhat hurt. He just wanted this day to end already.

"I didn't mean it like that. Its just, you make me nervous." Nate shook his head uncertain how to respond to Callen's attacks. "If I say the wrong word or squirm too much I'll lose my job, but Hetty seems to think I've got you all wrong." Nate didn't say anything, just carefully listened and observed what Callen was trying to tell him. "Anyways, she told me about your conversation earlier today."

"Oh," Nate said surprised and sort of embarrassed. He was under the impression that was a confidential conversation.

Callen continued, "Well not so much what you said or anything like that, she just seemed to imply that we might be acting a little harsh toward you and I, as team leader, aren't using you to your full potential as an Operational Psychologist."

"Oh," Nate said again with a surprised look. Just then he remembered Hetty's words again, _the people who need to talk will seek you out often under the guise of some other intention, YOU just have to LISTEN. _Was this what Hetty was talking about? Callen had never approached Nate on his own like this in such a private manner, now he's talking about not using ALL of Nate's psychological skills. Is this Callen's attempt to reach out? Nate decided to play along, hoping something more might come out of this conversation to answer his questions.

"She's right you know. I can contribute a lot more to this team than I am, but I can't force those contributions on you guys. I feel like I contribute what you let me contribute and other times I'm supposed to sit back and watch you guys struggle, when you don't have to." Nate said in a serious, yet calming voice. "You think I have all of you on a tight psychological leash when really I'm the one on the leash."

Callen looked down at the ground, then back over his shoulder. Still standing next to Nate's car Callen decided to take the conversation a different direction. He stared at Nate for a moment debating on whether to continue the conversation or just say good night, but there was still something unresolved. "Why don't we walk and talk for a minute? Wear off some of the booze."

Nate was completely thrown off track. This wasn't Callen's typical demeanor, but then again Nate had seen Callen take care of his teammates many times, he just never expected to experience it first hand. He'd seen a softer, less closed off side of Callen when Callen thought no one was looking. Tonight of all nights Callen wanted to talk and Nate did not, he just wanted to go home. He was tired of being verbally abused and kicked in the head when he was already feeling down, but he had to put his feelings aside if he was ever going to make progress with Callen, even tonight. "Yeah, ok." Nate replied.

The two men walked back into Ops. Some of the team members were still talking, Eric had fallen asleep on the couch and Hetty had gone home, or so they thought, but Sam and Kensi were sitting on the couch talking and laughing still. Sam saw Callen walk in with Nate and almost did a double take.

"Whoa." Sam said to Kensi.

Kensi whipped around to see Callen talking with Nate and walking back toward Nate's office. "What do you think that was all about?"

"I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it's not what we're hoping it is." Sam replied. Kensi and Sam weren't fond of Nate's occupation as a psychologist, but they still liked him as a person. They believed Callen hated Nate on all levels, but always hoped they were wrong because if anyone needed a psychologist as a friend, it was Callen.

Nate and Callen walked the halls of Ops for a few minutes. Nate waited for Callen to start talking, but Callen just breathed heavy and seemed to be lost in his mind thinking of words, so Nate prodded just a bit, "So, what's really going on Callen?"

Callen stopped and looked up at Nate with serious, yet calm eyes, "Look Doc, I hate being in my head and the last thing I want is to find you in there exploring. Hell, I'm uncomfortable with how much you know about me already," Callen explained frankly. "With that said, I realize my behavior toward you while on the job is sometimes short and unprofessional and I see the team treating you the same way. To say the least, I'm not role modeling well and I'm giving them the opportunity to just follow in my footsteps."

"Okay? Am I missing something?" Nate said feeling confused. This was an odd conversation to be having with Callen. Nate didn't necessarily agree and didn't understand why Callen felt so guilty about something that was a non-issue for Nate, but he quietly let Callen continue.

"I guess watching you walk in today in your suit, thinking you might have another job interview…well lets just say it wasn't a pleasant sight." Callen said.

"You don't like my clothes? Again with the clothes? Why is my wardrobe such an issue with everyone today?" Nate said in an even more confusing, yet slightly irritated voice.

"Nate it's not the clothes. It was the thought of you leaving that…well…" Callen paused and looked away from Nate, irritated that he would have to say it.

Nate noticed Callen was a little fidgety and clearing his throat more frequently than normal. Callen was slightly anxious. Nate leaned his head back a little as if he just had an epiphany; he realized what Callen was trying to say. He was listening "between the lines" like Hetty suggested.

"It bothered you." Nate said gently, and yet not surprised Callen felt that way at all. Fear of abandonment was one of Callen's biggest struggles, yet he was sure Callen didn't know that.

"Sure." Callen said nonchalantly.

Nate chuckled, and smiled softly at Callen as he does when he's trying to be sincere and empathic. "I'm not going anywhere nor are you guys going to run me off with your cold shoulders and lousy pranks. I love my job and I enjoy working with you, even if you take advantage of my gullible demeanor too often."

Callen nodded and said, "Good to know. Well, Merry Christmas." Callen turned to walk away when Nate said in a more forceful voice, "Do you know why?"

Callen turned back around to face Nate confused, "Why what?"

"Why you felt bothered by me leaving." Nate asked curiously.

Callen smiled and pointed a finger at him, "Stay out of my head Nate. Now go home."

Nate let him go. If Nate pushed him too hard, then all he would do was simply push him away. Nate would have to be patient, but tonight was a step in the right direction at least.


	2. A New Day

Chapter 2

The following week Nate had noticed a little less shots taken at him by the team and a few more smiles. Although he was apprehensive about how long it would last, it was nice to see. Strangely enough he felt slightly more valued by his team than he did before the holidays, but that would soon change.

The week he had been dreading was finally upon him: psychological evaluations. This would be a week of pulling teeth, pulling hair, pulling strings to get anything he could out of his agents just so he could figure out whether they were handling undercover work well enough to stay on the team. He hated to think what would happen if he had to take one of them off the team for psychological issues, that would be like professional suicide to his career at NCIS OSP.

Nate decided to check in with Hetty before setting out on his daunting task of psych evals. He walked over to her office and knocked on the wooden post outside her area. "Nate," She said glancing up from her computer pleasantly surprised, "What can I do for you Mr. Getz?"

Nate stepped forward, "I'm starting psych evals on the agents and I could use some more of your sage advice."

"Well I don't know if I'm qualified, but I'll give it my best." Hetty replied gesturing for Nate to sit down.

Nate took a deep breath in then spit it out, "I'm worried about some of our agents and their emotional state of mind. This has been a tough year with Callen getting shot and Macy's death. Our case load is getting heavier and yet the agents are talking to me less and less each day about what's going on inside of them and about their undercover work." Nate said concerned.

"Is there a particular agent you're referring to?" Hetty prodded.

"Yes and no. I'm worried about all of them and yet the one I'm most concerned about is Callen." Hetty began to open her mouth when Nate put up his hand to cut her off, "I know he's a survivor and he can take the weight of the world if we handed it to him. I'm not worried about him hurting himself or anyone else like I am with some of the other agents, I'm worried about his judgment especially as team leader. I know he'll survive, but what state of mind he'll come out with in the end concerns me."

Hetty nodded and took a deep breath. "I see your point Mr. Getz. It is entirely possible that Mr. Callen will drive himself mad with the weight of the stress his life carries. I try to talk to him about it when I can, but he's so closed off even to me most of the time and I'm not a psychologist."

"I need him to trust me, but I'm finding that unless I'm out in the field with a gun in my hand playing along with his rouse and watching his back he won't respond to me. I don't know where to start with Callen or how to start building that trust. Everything I've tried has failed. I need some leverage, something to at least get the door open." Nate said to Hetty hoping she might have the leverage he needed.

Hetty paused looking at Nate debating on whether to divulge what she knew about Callen that Nate did not. "Mr. Callen is a soldier. Retreating or giving up are not words in Mr. Callen's repertoire. If he sees you as the enemy, you'll never win. It will be a fight to the death, but if you are on his side, then you are his brother and he will do anything to protect you, and he may just allow you to do anything to protect him."

"Okay," Nate said thinking to himself, "So then how do I show him I'm on his side? If I can't get him to trust me then I can't-"

"Listen, Mr. Getz, just listen." Hetty answered. Nate didn't understand. "I believe Mr. Callen has reached out to you numerous times, have you reached a hand back?"

Nate was confused, "What do you mean?"

"Was it not only just a few weeks ago that he approached you alone? Something out of character for Mr. Callen."

"Yes, but he also made it very clear that I was not to help him and to stay out of his head." Nate replied.

"Do you remember earlier that day when you were interviewing Lance Corporal Olin?" Hetty asked. Nate nodded, "Did Mr. Callen not reach out to you in that interview?"

"I remember him vaguely describing his time in Fallujah. We've talked about it in our debriefings, but always in the same vague manner." Nate replied.

"Yes, but you talked about it. When you push for more information he stonewalls you, but he brought it up because he trusts you enough to tell you about something so horribly painful. Do you know he has never brought it up with me Mr. Getz?" Hetty asked.

Nate shook his head somewhat in awe, "No, I was unaware."

"As tough as Callen is, he's also very fragile. Everything he's been through is a piece of him, a part of his identity. If he thinks you're taking it away, then he'll crumble and he'll fight you and you will lose Mr. Getz. Do you understand what I'm saying?" Hetty suggested with a more forceful tone.

Nate nodded his head and smilled slightly. "Ok. I think I understand. Thanks."

He stood up and walked out of Hetty's office to begin the daunting task of rounding up the cavalry for psyche evals. He was still confused about his conversation with Hetty, but felt like he had been pointed in the right direction, or at least been given a starting block. _I need to show Callen I'm on his side. I need to get him to trust that when he gives up a piece of himself he won't break and that if he does I'll be there to pick up the pieces. He needs to see that I've got his back._

Nate needed a new strategy. He knew what he had to do, he had to share a part of himself, give a piece of himself to Callen to hold, to trust Callen first. He knew if he could trust Callen to protect him then maybe Callen would let Nate return the favor, maybe that would be the open door Nate needed. He knew Callen had strong protective instincts, maybe Nate could use those instincts to help him; at least he had to try.

Callen was sitting at his desk doing paperwork in the bull pen alone. The rest of the team had scattered. This was his opportunity to pull him aside. "Hey Callen, know what today is?" Nate said with a goofy smile.

Callen didn't look up from his paperwork, but responded with, "Wednesday."

Nate made a funny looking face then replied, "Actually its Thursday."

Callen looked up at Nate in surprise, "Really? Ok."

"Actually," Nate pushed on as Callen returned to his paperwork, "Its that time of year again. Psych evals."

Callen breathed out heavily and replied still not looking up. "Ok? And you want…?"

"Well, I thought in the spirit of role modeling for the rest of the team, that maybe you would be willing to be first?" Nate knew that Callen would take the bait. He was making great strides to be a better role model around Nate and not pick on him quite as much and in that regard he couldn't turn down Nate's request.

Callen threw his pencil down and looked up irritated, but knowing Nate was right. "Fine. Let's get this over with." Callen stood up and walked past Nate toward his office not waiting for Nate to follow. Nate exhaled, prayed for strength, then turned and followed Callen down the hall. This eval was going to be just as hard for Nate as it would be for Callen, maybe even harder because Nate had to be vulnerable in front of an agent he was trying to help. Everything he learned in school taught him not to reveal too much about himself to a client, not to get too close, but with Callen it might be his only chance to save him.

Callen sat down on Nate's couch and Nate sat in a chair facing the couch. He flipped open Callen's very limited file and jotted some notes down before looking up at Callen who seemed anxious, irritated and impatient. His body language definitely told Nate he had no desire to be here and was simply placating Nate. Nate looked at Callen debating on what to say. He knew what he had to do, but uncertain of how to start so he just sat staring at Callen. Finally, irritated with the silence Callen spoke first.

"So are we going to do this? Today?" Callen asked.

Nate nodded his head, looked back down at Callen's file then back up, "Lets talk about you getting shot earlier this year."

Callen rolled his eyes, "We've been over this Nate. I'm fine."

"How's the insomnia? Getting any sleep yet," Nate concerned.

"Its…fine." Callen replied. "I sleep just fine." Of course he still wasn't sleeping, afraid to close his eyes for fear he would see her face or feel the burning in his chest again. Every time he closed his eyes he heard Sam's distraught voice telling him to hang on, he saw her standing on the corner waving at him, and he felt the pain of hot metal burning his insides. No, sleep was out of the question unless he was drunk.

Nate nodded knowing full well that it was a blatant lie, but looked down and wrote something on Callen's file anyway and moved on, "How about the flashbacks?"

Callen looked up at Nate, somewhat scared. He didn't remember telling Nate about his flashbacks. He tried to play it off, "What flashbacks?"

Nate exhaled, "About the shooting. The ones where you're playing the shooting over and over in your head."

"I don't know what you're talking about Nate," Callen said nervously smiling. _How did he know? I haven't told anyone?_ "I'm fine Nate. No flashbacks, no insomnia, nothing. I'm fine."

"I know you're reliving it." Nate said speaking softly leaning in closer to Callen. He could tell Callen was feeling anxious about Nate's probing.

"You don't know anything Nate." Callen replied forcefully. "Don't sit there and pretend like you know what its like, because you don't. You're not out there every day with us getting shot at, always looking over your shoulder hoping no one recognizes you, afraid to call any place home for too long for fear you'll be made. Don't you dare sit there and tell me you know, because you don't."

Nate leaned back in his chair and exhaled with concern. He had just learned more about Callen in the last five seconds than he had the last year. So many angles he could play, so many questions he should ask, but he kept in mind what Hetty told him. If he asked the questions he wanted he knew he would only get a stonewalled answer, but if he proceeded the way he planned he might be able to turn the conversation in his favor. His mentor taught him to always listen to his head and then his heart, always in that order omitting neither, so that's what he did.

Nate put Callen's file down on the table next to him and clasped his hands together leaning forward again toward a distraught and excited Callen. He stared at Callen for a moment then spoke in a solemn voice. "I may not be in the field, I may not know what undercover work is like first hand, but I know loss, I know loneliness, and I know fear."

Callen looked up at Nate intrigued by what he was hearing, but also cautious about whether it was a trick to get him to open up. Nate stood up and walked over toward the window. He took several deep breaths, then continued.


	3. A Piece of Nate

Callen looked up at Nate intrigued by what he was hearing, but also cautious about whether it was a trick to get him to open up. Nate stood up and walked over toward the window. He took several deep breaths, then continued.

"I haven't told anyone this in a long time, especially people I'm counseling. I guess technically I'm not supposed to, but I trust you Callen." Nate added the last part in hopes that it would emphasize to Callen how serious Nate was and maybe Callen would return the favor. "I grew up in a small town just outside of Bend, Oregon population maybe just over 15,000 people." Nate looked over at Callen and returned to his chair, "It was like any other small, hillbilly town you'd find across the US, mostly farmers, migrant workers and a lot of people just trying to survive. My father was killed in action just before I was born so I never knew him. My mom was a teacher at the local school." Nate smiled as he talked about his mother and gave a slight chuckle when he thought about her. "She was a great teacher and an even more amazing mother."

Callen was officially intrigued and engaged in Nate's life. He was on the edge of the couch, looking right at Nate as he talked about his mother, about growing up in Oregon and about his childhood and yet Callen, through all the smiling and chuckling, could see a sense of genuine despair in Nate's eyes and hear a sadness to his voice he had never noticed before. He could almost relate to Nate when he said he never knew his father and right away a sense of guilt crushed him when he realized he may have been too quick to judge him. Nate continued on, trusting that Callen wouldn't smash the fragile pieces of his life that he was so carefully laying in Callen's hands.

"Everyday after school I would go to my mother's classroom and I would sit and do my homework while she graded papers, then we went home and had dinner when I finished. I remember one day, I was about seven years old walking to her classroom. I remember turning the corner and seeing a large crowd of people standing outside my mother's classroom. I remember people being sad, but I don't remember what they were saying to me. An older man grabbed me and walked me away from my mom's classroom." Nate paused looking right into Callen's eyes, then he looked away. "I remember yelling, being very upset and scared, but having no idea why or what had happened. I can't even tell you what happened next, I have no memories of going to the hospital or where the man took me, its all just a blur." Nate paused and looked up at Callen. To his surprise he noticed a slight tear building up in Callen's eyes, but Nate pushed on. It hurt to talk about this memory, and Callen could see that, but Nate had to push through the pain, he had to finish his story.

Callen cleared his throat and said to Nate, who was hesitating, "So, what happened to your mom?"

"She was shot by one of her students." Nate said standing up and walking back over to the window. Making eye contact with Callen was essential, but he found it to be harder than he expected. He continued staring out the window, "One of her students came into the school with a shot gun intending to shoot another student, a bully I suppose." Nate took a deep breath in, "My mother got in his way and when she wouldn't move, he shot her then the boy, then himself." Nate's voice up till this point had been calm, solemn, yet unwavering, but as he continued on Callen heard a trembling in his voice and although he could not see Nate's eyes he thought he might be seeing tears forming.

"My mother didn't die that day, but that was the day I lost her." Nate continued. "She recovered from being shot physically, but she never step foot back inside that school. From that day on I became the parent and she became the person I took care of. She couldn't sleep, she hardly ate, and when she did sleep she would wake up screaming most nights in terror." Nate turned back around and looked at Callen with watered eyes and found that Callen's eyes were welling up too.

"I'm so sorry Nate. I had no idea." Callen said sympathetically. Callen had completely forgotten that this was his psych eval and immediately felt calmer and maybe even safer than he did when he first walked in.

"I know." Nate nodded and returned to his seat wiping away some of the tears that almost fell.

"So what happened to your mom? Is she still alive?" Callen asked.

"Living? Yes, but alive? No." Nate replied. "When I was twelve my grandparents took me in and raised me from there on. My mother was placed in a facility to help her heal, but she just stayed frozen, never moving on and never leaving that classroom in a sense."

There was a moment of silence between the two men as Callen processed in his mind what Nate had just shared and Nate processed in his mind how Callen would react. Nate looked down at the floor, leaning forward in his chair resting his lips on his clasped hands. Then he looked up at Callen, back in psychologist mode. Callen was staring at Nate's feet uncertain of how to respond, so many thoughts running through his mind.

"When you said I didn't know what it was like, you were partly right. I may not have lived your life, but I can understand it, if you let me. I don't know what it is to be you. I can't read about you from any book or internet article and I can't learn about you from any file the government has on you. I can only learn about you from you and you can only know about me from me." Nate said.

"Why are you telling me this?" Callen asked looking up at Nate.

"Because just like you, Callen, I grew up without parents too. I lost my father before I ever knew him and I watched my mother slowly die too. I know the burden that comes with carrying that pain around, I've seen the fear that's in your eyes every time you draw your gun or hear a gun shot and I feel the loneliness of your soul when you roll out your bed mat every night here."

Callen nodded and bit back his lip. He understood what Nate was saying and was so shocked, so surprised that he couldn't respond. Nate's story shook Callen to his core. He knew what Nate felt inside, he knew the anguish and pain that Nate carried with him every day, and he finally understood why Nate cared so much about him even when Callen was so blatantly mean to him. Nate and Callen were not as different as Callen thought. Nate had a real understanding of what Callen was feeling, a sense of brotherhood and camaraderie was why Nate wanted to help him, not because of some job. That to Callen was more important than anything.


	4. A Piece of G Callen

Somewhere, tugging deep in his gut was a knawing feeling that made him feel anxious, almost nervous. He wasn't thinking anymore, words were just coming out of his mouth, and Nate was there to hear every one of them.

"37 homes." Callen muttered staring off into space.

"What?" Nate asked.

Callen looked up and made eye contact with Nate, there was no turning back now. "37 homes I lived in from the age of five till I joined the Army at 18."

Nate nodded his head and spoke gently, "I know."

"I hated every one of them. The things that happened to me in some of them I can't remember and the ones I can remember aren't pleasant. The only home I ever stayed in that I felt safe and almost normal was Aleina's. She was the closest thing I had to a sister. I think I may have even loved her as one. Now all I see every time I close my eyes is her face smiling and waving at me and then horror struck. I killed her Nate. Its my fault she's dead." Callen said trying so desperately to hold back the tears streaming down his face.

Nate exhaled deeply and sat back up in his chair almost overwhelmed by all the information that just came spilling out of Callen. Callen continued, "The only person I may have ever loved and I killed her. What does that say about me? Huh?"

Nate replied calmly, "Her death wasn't your fault Callen. You didn't pull the trigger or fire the gun that shot her nor did you cause the man who did to pull the trigger and shoot her."

"But if it weren't for me, if we had never met, if I had never stayed in that home then she would still be alive." Callen said almost angry.

"You don't know that Callen."

"I've been through worse in my life, I've lost people before. Hell I lost my parents when I was five. I lost my first name, all but a stupid letter. Why should this be any different?" Callen asked getting almost sadder, yet he would never out right cry. He tried so hard to hold back the tears, but they still slowly fell from his eyes.

"Because you never knew what family was until you met her and even though your stay with her family was brief, in comparison with your foster care history it was a lifetime you spent with them." Nate stood up and walked over to Callen. He sat on the couch next to Callen and looked directly into his watery eyes, "You're grieving Callen. This is what it feels like when we lose someone we love, especially family. We all feel guilty and we all hurt inside. It's harder for you because both your shooting and the shooting of the only person you considered family were connected, but that doesn't make any of it your fault."

Callen nodded his head, crossed his arms and sat silently fighting back the tears that were trying to pour out. Nate just sat and stared at Callen hoping he would stop fighting the tears and let them fall. Callen started rocking and blinking his eyes tightly. Nate could see he was fighting the break down as hard as he could, Nate only hoped that he wouldn't win this time. This was the closest Callen had ever come to talking about his childhood with anyone, and it made him nervous and scared. Nate's face was very focused on Callen and very solemn yet his eyes were as gentle as they could be while he watched Callen go through so many emotions at once.

Callen refused to look at Nate for fear he would lose it. He just kept staring ahead hoping the feeling would pass. He wanted so much to stand up and run out of Nate's office, but his legs wouldn't move. It was as if he was paralyzed; paralyzed by fear. He started to panic and his breathing became labored. He felt his surroundings fade and began hearing Sam's distraught voice telling him to hold on for life. Then he saw her face, the horror in it when she saw him get shot. He wanted to tell her he was sorry, that she should never have told Arkady about her and that he loved her and missed her, but all he could do was look at her horrified face and hear Sam's upset words.

"Callen?" Nate said in a calming and gentle voice, "Callen. Can you hear me?" Callen didn't respond. Nate knew he triggered a flashback for Callen; this was what he wanted. He needed to see Callen go through it so he could help him overcome it. Nate stood up and sat on the coffee table facing Callen. He leaned in and looked directly into Callen's distraught eyes. Nate reached out his hand and put it on Callen's shoulder, then he spoke again in his calming and gentle voice, "Callen, its Nate can you hear me? Callen you're having a flashback, but its ok. I need you to focus on my voice. Its Nate, listen to my voice. I'm sitting right in front of you. You're safe, you're not shot and you're not bleeding. You're in my office and you're safe. Its only a memory, its not real." Nate could see Callen's eyes focusing on Nate and his body beginning to calm. After a few minutes Callen laid back on the couch exhausted, frail, completely vulnerable. Nate gave him time to process while sitting on the coffee table calmly observing Callen's body language.

"I can't keep doing this." Callen finally admitted in an exhausted voice.

"No you can't." Nate replied softly.

"Have I gone mad? Am I crazy?" Callen asked concerned looking back at Nate hoping he wouldn't say yes.

Nate shook his head and smirked slightly, "No. Not at all Callen. Actually, you're perfectly sane."

"Then what's happening to me? I've had flashbacks before, but they always went away with time. Why won't these ones go away?" Callen asked.

Nate put his hand on Callen's shoulder and spoke softly again, "This was a bigger trauma for you then your other encounters because it involved someone from your past. They will go away eventually Callen. Don't lose hope. Grieving is a process and overcoming trauma is a process. Today was the first step you've taken in the right direction. They'll get better from here. I promise."

"How do you know that?" Callen asked.

"Because you just did what I always prayed my mom would do, but couldn't." Nate responded.

"Yeah?"

"You fought the flashback, and you won." Nate smiled.

"I fight them every day. I only won because you were here." Callen said. "So now I'm dependent on you? That doesn't seem like a good plan Nate." Callen seemed to be coming back to his regular self and the pain and anguish seemed to lessen a little more.

Nate leaned back and smiled, "Well, it just so happens that I have a few tricks up my sleeve that will work wonders on these flashbacks."

"I'm not taking drugs Nate. No way." Callen said frankly.

Nate chuckled, "No, no. I would never prescribe drugs for this. When you feel a flashback coming on focus on an object around you. Something to keep your mind in the present, for instance a desk or chair. Repeat over and over in your head where you are, what you're doing and don't break eye contact with the object until the feeling passes."

Callen looked relieved, "That's it? That will stop the flashbacks?"

Nate replied, "No it won't stop the flashbacks from coming on, but it will prevent them from replaying. You'll be able to stop them dead in their tracks before they become flashbacks, but the feeling that's driving them is still buried. The flashbacks and nightmares won't stop until you start uncovering those feelings and talk about them." Nate knew Callen wouldn't like that answer. "Today I was that object and this I promise you," Nate made sure Callen was looking at him before he continued, "I will always be there to pull you back out if you get sucked in again. I've got your back."

"That's what Hetty said." Callen said to himself. Callen nodded and Nate stood up and walked back over to the chair with Callen's file sitting next to it. Callen looked up at the file Nate was holding and asked, "Does this mean I'm off the team?"

Nate turned around and took a long deep breath in then looked seriously over at Callen, "I'm worried about you Callen, but not as an agent. You have some serious demons to work out, and I can help guide you through them, but ultimately you have to make the choices" Callen looked hurt, Nate continued. "I'm going to wait a week before I turn this in," Nate said holding up Callen's file. "I can't recommend you for duty, but if you can show me progress in the next week then I'll recommend that you be kept where you are. I'll tell Hetty that I lost your file or something, but its time for you to make some tough choices."

Callen didn't respond. He simply stared off into space almost heartbroken that he might lose his job. Nate realized he was somewhat insensitive and too harsh on Callen to respond the way he did. He didn't want Callen to feel like he had been punished for talking to him; that was Callen's biggest fear these days. Nate sat back down and looked at Callen, "I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure you remain a part of this family Callen. We couldn't survive without you." Nate looked at Callen waiting for an answer. A small sense of relief came over his face.

Nate continued, "I was there for my mother, but she refused my help. Now there isn't anyone who can help her. I'm offering the same to you now Callen. Please, take my guidance, let me support you, let me be your back up because God knows I need you to be mine."

Callen seemed disillusioned with Nate's speech until the last part when Nate said he needed Callen's help. That caught Callen's attention and also made him feel stronger, even safer around Nate, as if he wasn't a victim, but a survivor who had something to contribute also. "It's a fight for my career then?" Callen asked.

"It's a fight for your soul Callen." Nate replied seriously.

"And you're on my side?" Callen asked.

"I always have been," Nate said.

"I'm not a victim, I refuse to be a victim in all of this," Callen demanded.

"Then lets make sure that doesn't happen. I've got your back and you've got mine right?" Nate asked.

Callen thought for a moment and then paused, "Alright Doc, tell me what comes next."


	5. Fighting the Good Fight

Nate leaned back in his chair finally relieved. He had a big smile on his face as he looked over at Callen. Nate quietly chuckled. Callen smiled back, "What? You laughing at me?"

"No. Not at all." Nate replied.

"Well what then?" Callen said defensively.

"You're determination to survive is," Nate paused trying to find the word, "inspiring to me." Then his face saddened a little, "I wish my mom had the same determination." Nate looked down at the ground.

"Hey," Callen said and Nate looked up. "Me too." Nate smiled softly appreciating Callen's comment. "That's why you were so sad on Christmas Eve, huh?"

Nate was always surprised at how perceptive his agents were. They were just as good, if not better profilers than he was most days. "Yeah. My grandparents passed away several years ago and now it's just me and my mom. The holidays can get pretty lonely."

"I know the feeling." Callen said in the same solemn manner. "So Doc, tell me what the next step is."

Nate exhaled deeply. He knew Callen wasn't going to like it because it would require letting him in his head, the last thing Callen wanted. Even though he was willing to move forward now, he had a feeling he might get stonewalled before they even started, but right now Callen was being open minded, so Nate went with it.

Nate put on his psychologist face, looked observingly at Callen and began with the easier questions first, "Well, tell me about the flashbacks."

Callen squirmed on the couch for a minute, then stood up and began walking around the room. Nate sat in the chair observing both verbal and non-verbal cues. Reading Callen was always difficult, but right now Callen was like an open book to Nate. "I'm standing on the street corner. Sam just dropped me off from the case we were working with Gibbs and Macy. I see Aleina on the corner across the street, but I don't know it's her. I just think she's the Russian girl next door who waves to me regularly." Callen breathed heavily, but his voice was unwavering. "Then there are sounds of gun shots. I'm still looking at Aleina, but the look on her face changes to complete and utter horror. Its only then I feel the bullets burning holes in my body. Then I hear Sam's voice telling me to hold on. The pain is so strong that I pass out, but before everything goes blank her distraught face is the last thing I see. Then that's it, just darkness and pain."

With a gentle voice Nate asked, "What does it feel like?"

"I don't know. It hurts." Callen said a little irritated.

"Not physically Callen, what does it feel like emotionally?" Nate asked again.

Callen hesitated. His heart began pounding so fast and hard he thought it might come out of his chest. Nate could see his breathing become labored. "I don't know."

"Try to think of one word that could sum up what is going through your mind when you relive it." Nate suggested.

Callen thought for a moment, that was something he could do. This smaller task seemed easier, one word. The first word that came to mind was the one word he wasn't willing to admit. He looked up at Nate and Nate noticed that he was trying to hide what just popped into his head, the word he would give wouldn't be the first word that came to mind. "Sadness."

"Why were you sad Callen?" Nate said calmly.

Callen was fidgeting, looking around the room trying not to make eye contact with Nate. Nate noticed. "Because I didn't recognize her."

"Aleina?"

"Yeah." Callen nodded walking around the room again pacing.

"Were you afraid at all?" Nate prodded.

Callen stopped pacing and hesitated answering Nate's question, "I've been shot at before," Callen replied shaking his head. "No, I wasn't afraid." Fear was the first word that came to Callen's mind, but he wasn't a victim, he refused to be afraid or admit he was afraid at one point.

"You've been shot at before, but this is the first time the bullets actually hit you." Nate noticed Callen seemed to be getting irritated with his line of questioning. "It's only natural to feel some type of fear when your life is threatened."

"I told you Nate, I'm not a victim." Callen said defensively.

"You were the victim of a shooting?" Nate challenged.

Callen stopped pacing and thought for a moment looking up at Nate. "I guess that's true." He replied very matter-of-factly.

"Let me ask you something else that I bet no one asked you before," Nate said looking up at Callen. "What _are_ you afraid of?"

Callen sat back down on the couch and some sense of calm seemed to overtake him as he rattled his brain for an appropriate answer.

"Callen, the first word that comes to mind. Just blurt it out and we'll go from there. Anything you tell me stays between us, you know that." Nate said encouragingly. Callen simply glared at Nate uncertain of how to answer.

"What are you afraid of Nate Getz?" Callen said turning the tables.

Nate wasn't happy that Callen was changing the subject, but he was learning that to get a little from Callen you had to give a little. It was like bargaining emotions with Callen. Nate responded, "Honestly, I'm afraid of losing my mind like my mom. I'm afraid of not being strong enough to survive this tough business of living."

"Tough business of living?" Callen said somewhat confused.

Nate leaned back in his chair, "Yeah. Life is hard for everyone Callen; certainly not as difficult for everyone like it has been for you. All of us struggle in some way, but not all of us survive it, not all of us want to." Nate's voice got softer as he realized the direction this conversation could go and he feared what he might hear Callen say. The topic of suicide was the last conversation he wanted to have with Callen; he simply didn't want to head down that road and stumble upon something real.

Callen looked back at Nate who's eyes always seemed to be gentle and warm no matter what mood he was in. "There was a moment, maybe a second, after I got shot that I heard Sam's voice telling me to hold on. Only a second where I wanted to tell him no, where I wanted to pack it in. I'd never felt like that before in my life. After all the crap I've been through not once did I ever think about giving up, but lying in Sam's arms with blood oozing out around me I thought that I finally had my chance to walk away, to give in, to say I'm done."

"But you didn't?" Nate continued.

Callen had a dazed look on his face, "No."

"Why?"

Callen paused for a minute, "I don't know." Then he realized what Nate was getting at.

"You have to do better than that Callen." Nate challenged.

Callen nodded to himself and walked back over toward Nate, "Maybe I was afraid." Callen admitted to himself for the first time. It was as if he was having an epiphany. He finally understood why he was having a hard time coping, why he couldn't deal with what happened. He couldn't fight an enemy he did not know; he couldn't survive a war he didn't know how to fight.

Nate finally broke through, the doors were open and he could see the wheels turning round in Callen's mind. It was if all the pieces of the past few months started falling into place. What he was feeling, why he couldn't sleep and why his heart would beat so hard it felt like it would pound right out of his chest. The walls were falling down and Callen was opening up, a surprise to both men.

"I was afraid of death. I was afraid of leaving you all behind." Callen said surprisingly.

Nate nodded, "Yeah, you were."

"I never feared death. In all my years in the service, with the DEA and NCIS not once did I fear getting shot or dieing. In fact, I always hoped I'd die in the service to my country."

"Why is that?" Nate prodded gently.

"I guess its so I wouldn't have to face all the big life decisions that I feared like marriage, family, kids and growing old." Callen paused and looked at Nate who was listening intently to Callen's every word. "Nate, I think I wanted to die. I never wanted to live to be this old."

"Do you think that's why you joined the Army and why you always volunteer for the most dangerous jobs?" Nate asked.

Callen sat down with a look of wonderment on his face, "Maybe."

Nate leaned back in his chair concerned about what Callen was saying, but relieved that he was talking. "So you put yourself in situations where the risk of death was high and when the day finally came where you had a choice between life or death you chose life."

"So weird. Wow. Is this what healing feels like?" Callen asked somewhat in shock.

"It can. Don't get too far ahead of yourself, you're in shock Callen. Just take a deep breath and pace yourself."

"Pace myself? Doc this is insane." Callen started getting riled up and anxious again. Nate knew it would only be a matter of minutes before the high of the epiphany would pass and reality set in. Callen was standing on the edge of a cliff and Nate knew he was about to fall fast and hard, but Nate was prepared. He had Callen's back, he was there to catch him when he fell and pick him back up. This was his job, this is what he lived for, this was his mother's legacy to him.

Nate carefully watched and observed Callen's every move as Callen paced around the room in excitement babbling about his revelation trying so hard to hold back the storm that was trying so hard to break through his mask. All the reasons he wanted to die, all the horrible things that happened to him, all the misery and loneliness was creeping out. He began to tremble and his breathing became labored. Nate stood up and put his arm around Callen and brought him back to the couch. "Just breath Callen. I'm here, just breathe." Callen bent over holding his stomach as if his insides were being ripped out of him. He didn't yell, he didn't cry, he just sat silently with his head in his lap, consumed with the darkness his life had become. Nate sat next to him on the couch rubbing circles on his back to comfort Callen as a mother does for their frightened child after a horrible nightmare.

Twenty minutes passed before Callen came up for air, his face and eyes bright red. Nate looked at Callen and smiled comfortingly at Callen. "How are doing?" Nate asked.

"Not feeling so hot Nate." Callen said as if he was in pain.

"I know. It'll pass Callen. I'm here. I've got your back. I won't let anything bad happen to you, I promise." Nate said calmly still rubbing Callen's back.

"I wanted to die Nate." Callen admitted.

"Do you think you wanted to die or you just wanted the pain to go away?" Nate asked apprehensively afraid of what Callen's answer might be.

"A little of both I suppose," Callen answered.

"But you didn't die Callen. You held on despite what you wanted the most. Do you know why?" Nate asked. "Because you're a survivor."

"I've lost everything Nate," Callen said in a calmer voice putting is head in his hands.

Nate lifted Callen's head up to make eye contact with him, "You haven't lost me, or Hetty, or Sam, or Kensi or Eric."

"Its only a matter of time." Callen said sadly.

"Maybe, but Callen we all lose people we love. It's a natural progression of life, and it's the part of living that's the hardest for you." Nate said.

"Don't you shrinks have a name for something like that? Fear of abandonment? Attachment disorder?" Callen asked.

Nate looked away from Callen's penetrating eyes then back at Callen with sad eyes, "Yes. Most people who grow up in the environment you grew up in develop these issues," Nate's voice cheered up as he continued, "but its those issues that make you so perfect for this job. They are also the same things that can destroy you if let them. Why do you think there is a full time Operational Psychologist on the team? It's to help all of you manage your traumas, attachment disorders and other issues that make you imperfect to the rest of the world, but perfect for this job."

"I thought it was so you could fix us?" Callen said jokingly.

"I was always told not to attempt to fix what wasn't broken." Nate said with a smile on his face, "You're not broken Callen, you're not a victim of anything more than a shooting, and you're not unwanted or forgotten. You're simply G. Callen. A man with a sad, yet inspiring story."

Callen sat and thought for several minutes about what Nate said. Finally he took in a deep breath and exhaled feeling a sense of relief, as if he were twenty pounds lighter than when he woke up this morning. Nate looked over at Callen and finally asked in a gentle voice, "How do you feel?"

Callen smiled then looked back at Nate, "Lighter."

Nate patted Callen on the back then returned to his desk opening Callen's file. He looked up from his desk for a moment and said, "Take it easy today. You might find that you're feeling lighter, but you're also fragile. Don't be surprised if you feel a rush of adrenaline, your heart starts pounding or you feel dizzy for no reason. The littlest things will set you off. Just remember what we talked about, remember the flashback technique I told you and remember that I'm just down the hall if you need anything." Callen nodded understanding what Nate was saying, "I'm standing you down for the next few days, I want you to hang around here, get your bearings, do some paperwork, think, process and we'll talk in a couple of days."

Callen wasn't thrilled about Nate's short leash, but given what he had just gone through, he couldn't disagree. "A few days? No, lets get it all fixed right now." Callen urged.

Nate looked up at Callen surprised and shook his head, "You need a few days before we go farther Callen. We can't just hash out thirty years of your life in thirty minutes."

"But I can do this. Lets keep going. What else do you want to know?" Callen said getting agitated.

Nate was getting concerned, he didn't feel comfortable with Callen's change in attitude. He was losing control. Nate stood up and walked over to Callen, "That's not how it works Callen. Healing takes time. Today was a step in the right direction, but it was a smaller demon compared to the ones you'll have to overcome. In order to fight your bigger demons you need to work this one out first."

"No. I can do this," Callen said determined.

Nate looked at Callen concerned and asked him the one question he hoped Callen couldn't answer just to prove his point, "Do you still want to die?" Callen was caught off guard. He simply stared at Nate, unable to verbalize an answer. "That's what I thought. Process, think, reflect, fall apart and stand back up. Then we'll talk more."

"I'm not suicidal if that's what you're asking. I'm not going to go home and shoot myself with my gun or anything." Callen said challenging Nate's assumptions.

"Good." Nate was pleased to hear those words come out of Callen's mouth, but was still apprehensive about his answer.

"Nate, I'm fine. I'm still standing and I'm ready to keep fighting." Callen stood up almost yelling at Nate.

"Good. Take the next few days and do it then. Fight it, feel it, and then we'll talk." Nate said more forcefully.

Callen sat back down and nodded feeling defeated by Nate. Nate responded, "Did you hear what I said, that the littlest things will trigger new emotions in you, ones you might not be able to control?" Callen nodded. "Remember those words, remember what I said, because the way you feel right now will come back. Trust me Callen, we're going to get you back in the field as soon as possible, but not at your expense."

Callen nodded showing he understood what Nate was saying. "So what's my cover story when the others ask why I've been taken out of the field?"

Nate smiled. "Tell them I finally had enough of your stonewalling and until you give me an honest psych eval you're off all cases. They don't need to know anymore than that."

Callen shifted his eyes, "Good cover story Doc."

"Well I have some experience in this field." Nate said with a goofy grin on his face.

"And my real psych eval? I'll be able to join the team again right? You're not going to put all of this in some report for the Director to read and then I lose my job?" Callen said concerned.

Nate shook his head, "That's not my job. If what you tell me affects NCIS or another agent then its my job to speak up otherwise its my job to make sure the private conversations I have with each agent stays confidential." Nate noticed Callen still seemed unsettled, "Don't worry, I've got your back Callen, like I said I always will. We'll get you back out there and we'll do it when you're ready."

Nate finished writing in Callen's file and then closed the folder and looked up at Callen. Callen nodded his head, stood up and turned to face Nate. "Can I go now?"

"You could have left at any point. Whenever you're ready." Nate stood up and walked around to the front of his desk with his hands in his pockets. Callen walked over to Nate and reached out to shake his hand. Nate reciprocated.

"Thanks Doc." Callen said smiling.

"Don't thank me yet. We still have some work to do." Nate replied.

With that Callen left Nate's office after two hours and returned to the bull pen feeling new, unburdened and almost free.

As Callen walked out Nate thought to himself how far Callen had come and yet he feared how much more there was to go. Callen's mind was a scary place for Nate and he feared what he might find in the next few weeks. He remembered how far he had to go and how hard it was for him to climb back up after he fell. It was going to be hard, but at least the door was open and Callen was willing to put in the effort. That was half the battle. _One psyche eval down, three more to go._ Nate thought to himself.


	6. Nerves

_I started another story that falls in between the fifth and sixth chapters of his story titled Kensi's Psych Eval. You don't need to read it to follow this story, but I do reference it a bit. I wrote the stories all together, but decided having two separate stories devoted to two story lines would have been easier for the reader to follow. Thanks for all the reviews, it has encouraged me to continue on this story line. Let me know what you think and if you would be interested in reading more in this genre. Nate is by far my favorite character on the show and I'm always disappointed at how little the writers give him. Hope you enjoy. Again, I own none of these characters._

Monday morning. Nate was the first to arrive, shortly after Hetty, at NCIS OSP. He spent the entire drive sitting in L.A. traffic for forty-five minutes as he did every morning, but Monday's always seemed the worse. The long drive gave him time to think about the previous week's psych evals with his agents. He spent most of the weekend processing, watching TV, reading through the DSM IV and other psychology books, and processing some more with still no answers. He heard stories from two of his agents that worried him and shook him at his core; he feared he would need a therapy session with someone when this week was through. More importantly though he worried he wouldn't be able to build his team back up or help them enough to clear them for work emotionally.

Nate had great confidence in his profiling abilities. Reading people and noticing non-verbal cues was his greatest strength, but when it came to what they said he had a hard time picking out the truth between the lies if they weren't on a screen being interrogated by someone else. Therapy was an art in many respects, and Nate, while still new to it, was struggling mastering his craft with the agents. So far he had discovered he could break them down, but he wasn't sure he had what it took to build them back up. Nate spent all weekend coming up with plans, scenarios and possible conversations trying to anticipate the coming week's interviews, but he knew no matter how hard he prepared it would all be thrown out the door the minute his agents stepped into his office. They were so unpredictable and mysterious because of their ability to cover up their identity, after all that was their job and all of them were very good at their job.

As he grabbed some coffee before he walked to his office Hetty came up behind him. "Good morning Mr. Getz. How was your weekend?"

"Oh, hey Hetty. Good. How was yours?" Nate said. He hadn't forgotten the last conversation he had with Hetty. She confessed a devastating part of her past to Nate in an effort to shed some light on his conversation with Kensi. He wondered if he would ever get the opportunity to finish that conversation. It was Hetty, after all, that told him that people would reach out to him under the guise of some other intention. Nate still hadn't confirmed whether Hetty was reaching out or not.

"My sister is in town." Hetty said in an annoyed manner.

"I didn't know you had a sister. It must be nice to spend time with family." Nate said pushing his previous thought to the back of his mind.

"Mmm. I wouldn't put it that way, but we'll go with that." Hetty replied. "You have a plan for how we're going to get this team up and running again?"

Nate took a sip from his mug looking at Hetty and simply said, "Nope."

Hetty was shocked and outraged, "We have cases piling up Nate. These agents either need to be moved to another line of work or cleared to resume their undercover work."

"Can't recommend either Hetty." Nate said calmly.

"Well what am I supposed to tell the Director? He wants his agents back!" Hetty said concerned.

Nate responded soothingly, "Give them time Hetty. I can't make them talk to me and I can't miraculously heal their childhood demons or undercover traumas. They have to come to me when they're ready."

Hetty was uncomfortable with Nate's answer. He noticed and replied before she said another word, "Its ok Hetty. They know they are on the clock and they know what's at stake. They'll come around and if they don't I'll have my psychological recommendation for the Director ready by Wednesday either way." Hetty nodded feeling defeated, but understanding Nate's point. He continued in a more gentle voice, "I'm worried about them too, but I gotta believe they're stronger than all of this otherwise they wouldn't have made it this far. I gotta believe they'll pull through and you should too."

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Hetty said calmly giving in.

"Something small to take their minds off of paperwork and whatever demons are swirling around their heads. Might help morale." Nate replied.

Hetty nodded, "I have some new recruits that need undercover training. Would that suffice?"

"Perfect."

Hetty exhaled deeply still concerned. Nate noticed and tried to offer some words of comfort, "They'll be ok Hetty, trust me." With that he patted her arm and walked away ending the conversation. There was nothing more he could tell Hetty to comfort her, she just had to trust him. He understood her fears and he himself was praying he was right otherwise he could be ending the careers of two incredible agents.

Sam and Callen walked in together drawling their usual banter about this and that, seemingly back to normal, yet there was still an apprehension in Callen's voice; a nervousness about being back in this place again. Hetty stopped both of them at the coffee pot, "Good morning gentlemen. I take it you had a good weekend?"

"Sure, we'll go with that," Callen replied. Hetty wasn't much in the mood for small talk either, so she didn't push. "What do we have on the 'in house' agenda for today Hetty?" Callen asked changing the subject.

"Paperwork Mr. Callen." Hetty replied.

"Come on Hetty. How long are you gonna have us benched?" Sam asked irritated.

"Just until Wednesday Mr. Hanna." Callen looked up concerned when he heard Hetty's response. He knew she was referring to his psych eval, what he didn't know was that Kensi was lumped into that comment too.

"What happens on Wednesday?" Sam said pouring some coffee.

"Nate turns in his recommendations." Callen responded almost in a daze.

Hetty didn't confirm nor deny Callen's response. "Ops Center, five minutes Mr. Callen and Mr. Hanna." Hetty turned and walked away ending their conversation for now.

Sam turned to Callen, "You gonna talk to Nate?"

"I don't know." Callen replied. In all honesty, Callen's heart beat with anxiety when he thought about talking to Nate. This must have been what Nate meant when he said Callen would know when it was time to talk again. It was as if his body was urging him to go see Nate, but his mind was telling him to stay away. The minute he walked into the building the first thing he did was look around for Nate, uncertain of why he even cared where the psychologist was. He pushed the feeling to the side and headed to his desk.

Hetty knew since her LA team was pulled out of the field for the week for psych evals their skills could be put to use in training some new undercover agents for another agency. She was tired of seeing them mope around the office; it was time to get them working on something to take their mind off the turmoil in their heads.

Callen and Sam walked into the Ops Center finding Kensi standing next to Eric around the table. "Do any of you know what this is about?" Callen asked.

Kensi shook her head, "Nope."

Hetty walked in, "We have some new recruits that need undercover training Mr. Callen."

"Rookies? Alright." Sam said with some excitement. Callen and Kensi also had smiles on their faces.

"Really, you're letting us out?" Kensi asked hopeful.

Hetty shook her head, "No, not exactly. They need training in civilian firearms protocols, surveillance in electronics and field work and finally escape and evasion skills. They are all former military, but brand new to the undercover game and certainly not ready for field work Ms. Blye."

The team was slightly less excited about Hetty's response, but still eager to have something to do that didn't involve talking to Nate or filling out paperwork. "Well, who are they?" Sam asked.

Eric pulled up all their files on the big screen. He read off their names, background and psychological assessments thus far. Sam and Callen all had comments to say regarding each agent whether they thought they would be good, clumsy, trouble or a pain in the ass to train.

The team spent an hour going over the files and another hour preparing some training scenarios. Kensi agreed to take on the training in firearms protocols since she was the best shooter of the group, Eric and Callen were going to help with surveillance skills both in the field and in the office and Sam volunteered for the more physical part of the job, escaping and evading suspects. Within minutes the morale of the team seemed to do a 180. Hetty felt relieved.

Nate very much wanted to join his team on their new assignment, but he didn't think he would be well received yet. It would be a lonely day for him. He decided to walk the halls and see if there was anyone else who needed his help with anything just so he could feel productive today. He walked by the bull-pen and noticed none of his agents were there so he headed to the Ops Center to see if Eric needed help with anything. When he walked in through the automatic doors he saw his entire team standing there laughing and bantering with each other, just another reminder he didn't belong.

They stopped immediately and looked at him. Nate paused, "Sorry, I didn't know you guys were up here. What's going on?" Nate asked casually. The team simply looked at him. Callen's heart started racing, Sam's blood was boiling and Kensi was almost embarrassed. This was the first time they had interacted with Nate since their psych evals and the thought that he knew things about them that they were ashamed of made them all uncomfortable.

"Training new recruits." Eric replied. He didn't have the same feeling the rest of the team had.

Nate nodded his head, "Oh. Anything I can do to help out?" There was a long pause from the team. Nate figured they were giving him the cold shoulder so he turned around and walked out, but before he reached the door Callen spoke up, "Yeah."

Nate turned back around.

"These new recruits could use a briefing on profiling and interrogating suspects. That would be your area of expertise?" Callen said slightly nervous. He felt just as uncomfortable as everyone else, but he was the team leader and if his team was ever going to get back to normal someone had to break the ice first. Besides, Nate had already proven his loyalty to Callen; to Callen Nate was his brother and even brothers fight sometimes.

Nate nodded relieved, "I could do that."

Callen looked over his shoulder back at his team contemplating, then suggested "Maybe all of us, together, could talk to them about the psychological effects of undercover work." Nate lifted his brow somewhat surprised. "You know? You give the 'technical talk' and we could give them it straight up?"

Nate was definitely caught of guard. That was more open than Callen ever volunteered to be in front of anyone and he just volunteered his team to do the same, "I think that would be really beneficial." Nate paused gauging the reactions of the other team members. They seemed apprehensive about Callen's suggestion, but not objecting to it. "I'll write up some notes and you tell me when and where."

Callen smirked, "Thanks Nate. We will."

With that Nate left the Ops Center pleasantly surprised. He expected his team to be more closed off; he didn't expect them to invite him to collaborate with them considering he still held their jobs in his hands. The fact that he underestimated how threatening he was to them was a good sign. Nate headed back to his office eager to get started on his task for the day.


	7. Healing

The team went their separate directions to prepare. The new recruits would arrive tomorrow morning, so that meant all of them had a lot to prepare before they arrived. Sam, slightly frustrated by Nate's appearance in the Ops Center went to work out his aggression on the punching bag before calming down enough to focus on his task. Kensi sat at her desk twirling her pen in her hand seemingly lost in her own world. Callen, on the other hand, felt very anxious. He was at his desk, but kept looking up to see if Nate was walking by or lurking in a corner somewhere. Eventually, the anticipation became too much for him. His body was telling him it was time; his mind had no choice but to give in. Finally he stood up and headed back for Nate's office leaving Kensi to wonder what he was doing.

Callen knocked on Nate's door. Nate was sitting at his computer. "Hey Doc."

Nate glanced up, "Hey Callen. What's up?"

"You gotta sec?" Callen asked stepping in.

Nate was intrigued, "Sure. Come in." Nate stood up and walked to the front of his desk leaning against it.

Callen shut the door behind him. It was going to be one of those conversations. "I thought maybe we could talk a little bit about what would be appropriate or inappropriate to tell these new recruits."

While Callen thought he was asking about the new recruits Nate heard something different. He heard Callen saying it was time to talk. Putting on his psychologist "cap" he sat in his chair facing the sofa Callen sat down in. "Ok. Appropriate would be what you're comfortable telling them. Inappropriate would be covering up the truth because it's too uncomfortable to talk about."

Callen picked up on Nate's cryptic words, but didn't say anything. He didn't know how to start, so Nate gave him a push. "What do you want them to get out of the briefing?"

"That this job isn't without personal sacrifice." Callen replied. Nate gave him a look like he didn't quite understand his meaning. Callen continued, "Undercover work isn't about being a good actor, but it's about the ability to give up part of your identity and adapt to a new one. I want them to understand that the hardest part of the job isn't always the danger, but the deception."

"Wow Callen, that's really good." Nate replied. Even though Callen was talking to Nate he still had this tugging feeling in his gut because he knew he was avoiding the conversation his mind didn't want to have with Nate, but that his heart was begging for.

Callen's leg started bouncing nervously and he started squirming and clearing his throat.

Nate noticed and pushed the subject anyways. His voice changed to a more soothing tone, "How are the flashbacks?"

Callen's leg stopped shaking instantly and he looked at Nate frightened of this conversation, "Better."

"And the nightmares?"

"Better too, but still there."

"Give it time." Nate said softly leaning back in his chair.

"One of the new recruits, I was looking over his file. He is like us, never knew his parents, grew up in the system, joined up at 18 like me." Callen confessed. This was the trigger that sent him to Nate's office this morning. "I don't know what to tell him."

Nate answered, "Is there anything anyone could have told you that would have helped you before you started this job?"

"There isn't anything anyone could say now to make this job any easier Nate." Callen said frustrated.

"Well, let me ask you this," Nate said clasping his hands together, "how much does your past affect your work here at NCIS?"

"It doesn't. I wont let it." Callen said frankly.

Nate shook his head disagreeing, "Every time we have a case where the suspect or victim had a past similar to your own you take it personally. You defend their actions at all costs or you're disappointed in them because they didn't survive it."

"What are you talking about Nate?" Callen felt irritated. "I don't do that."

"Walton Monroe Flynn. Do remember the case several months ago?" Nate knew Callen remembered the case.

"Yeah," Callen said in a daze. "The Marine, grew up in foster care, joined the Marines at 18, was on the run from a private contracting group. Caldwell tried to pin a murder on him."

"Do you remember our debrief after that case? You were more shut down, closed off and pissed at me than I think I've ever seen you." Nate replied.

"Maybe I was just tired. Not everyone wants to talk to you after a hard case Nate." Callen challenged.

Nate smiled softly, "I realize that, believe me. You made a personal connection with Flynn during your undercover work. You shared a real part of yourself while undercover and you refuse to tell me about it to this day. Do you know why?"

Callen thought for moment then nodded his head, "Because I messed up. I felt for the guy, I knew what he was going through and I used my personal identity to connect with a suspect. I believed he was innocent even when everyone thought he was guilty because of it. I got too close. I screwed up and almost cost us the case."

Nate nodded his head. "Share that with the new recruit. Sometimes the best mentors are the ones who can tell us how they learned from their mistakes."

Callen looked up at Nate confused then nodded his head in agreement. "Yeah, ok." Callen was feeling guilty, an emotion that was new to him.

Nate continued, "You're a private person Callen."

"The less you let someone in the less they let you in the less attached you get making it less difficult when they finally leave or die. Less is better." Callen replied explaining his survival theory.

"That theory works if you're not in the business of racking up trauma after trauma or really interested in living at all." Nate replied. "What kind of life will you have without close friendships or building trust with people around you?"

"A safe life."

"You may be safe, but you're not living." Nate retorted. "You've been burned by a lot of people in your life, its understandable that trusting someone on a level so personal would be hard."

"So you're saying I should be less private, more open? You think I should come talk to you every time I'm upset or feel an uncomfortable emotion? I think I'll pass on that little life lesson Nate." Callen said sarcastically.

Nate shook his head, "Not at all Callen. Please don't come to me every time you feel something uncomfortable because I would go insane. You just stop, think about what's making you feel that way and deal with it. Talk to Sam, work it out on the punching bag or something, but please don't stop me to talk every time you feel uncomfortable." Callen chuckled and Nate smiled, "I'm here to help with traumas, the stuff you can't talk about or deal with or remember. The stuff that scares you to your very core, affects your daily thinking and judgment, the stuff that eats away at you every day till there's nothing left."

"Like Aleina." Callen said solemly.

Nate's demeanor changed and he looked at Callen with sad eyes. It hurt him to hear Callen say her name. Nate could almost feel the pain oozing out of Callen when he talked about her. He spoke gently to Callen, "Yeah."

"It hurts," Callen said in a daze.

"What hurts?" Nate prodded.

"Thinking about her when we were kids. She was only four years old when I knew her and still she remembered me. I knew my parents when I was four and I can't remember them let alone what they called me." Callen said sadly.

"Tell me about what you do remember of her when you were younger?" Nate encouraged.

A smile came over Callen's face as he recalled all the happy times he had while staying with the Russian family. "I used to bounce her on my knee and she would giggle." He chuckled remembering her giggle ringing through his ears. Then his face turned sad again, "I'll never hear that giggle again."

"You will in your memories." Nate said comfortingly.

"What do you do, Nate, to deal? To cope with your loss?" Callen asked. Nate understood that he was trying to learn how to cope with grief. Callen had no clue what he was doing; he needed Nate to guide him.

Nate took in a deep breath thinking about his answer. He had to choose his words carefully, but honestly. "A lot of people would tell you to hold on to the good memories, but you and I both know after you're done remembering the good old times the painful and sad memories seep in." Callen was hanging on to Nate's every word wanting Nate to give him some hope. "I try to remember who I am and how far I've come. I try to be thankful for what I learned from my mom and not to be angry about all the lessons I never learned because of what happened to her. It does not help to dwell on things that will never come to pass."

"And that works for you?" Callen asked apprehensively.

"Most days." Nate replied.

Callen felt like he was prodding Nate now, "And the days it doesn't work?"

"Honestly Callen, they're hard days." Nate replied. Nate realized he was being more closed off than usual and uncertain of why. He continued, "I use my music or talk to someone about it until I get tired of feeling sorry for myself or someone tells me to suck it up and move on. Eventually the feeling passes."

"Time heals all wounds then?" Callen asked.

Nate leaned forward sorry that he didn't have more hope or a better answer to give Callen. "Something like that."

"What do you do with the feelings you don't have?" Callen asked curiously.

Nate was confused. He didn't understand what Callen was asking. "Like when you think you're supposed to feel something and you don't?"

"No," Callen replied. "Like with your dad. You never knew him right? So how do you deal with that?"

Nate hadn't thought about his father emotionally since he was a teen. He never had any real connection to him accept through his grandparents. "Not knowing my father is different than feeling rejected by him. Are you asking about the not knowing part or about the feeling rejected part?"

Callen grimaced at the word 'rejected.' In all reality he had been rejected by both his parents; thrown into the foster care system without ever knowing why they didn't keep him to begin with. "I guess the latter."

"It hurts. I fight it every day Callen in everything I do. You can choose to hold on to your feelings waiting and hoping you'll get the answers that bring you closure, which by the way will never come even if you do find your parents one day, or you can choose to be proud of how far you came without them. You can choose to not feel rejected or abandoned, give them the benefit of the doubt that maybe they had no control over losing you and instead embrace the love you were given by Aleina's family and your family here at NCIS."

Callen nodded still unsatisfied by Nate's answer. He was searching for answers he would only find in himself, not from someone else. "I'm sorry Callen. I don't know what more I can tell you. Some of this you'll have to feel out for yourself."

"Its fine Nate. Story of my life." Callen replied.

"You are not unwanted or unloved, you know that right?" Nate said looking directly at Callen very seriously. Callen wouldn't make eye contact, but he nodded. "Callen, look at me." Nate said forcefully. Callen looked up at Nate stubbornly, "You're not unwanted and you're not unloved."

Callen shook his head, "I don't believe you. The events of my life contradict that statement Nate."

Nate repeated himself again gently, "You're not unwanted and you're not unloved. You never have been. If anything the events of your life prove that. Aleina's family proves that, Sam proves that, Hetty proves that, I prove that. There have been people in your life who have cared for you, loved you and lifted you up when you had nothing."

Callen's eyes watered a bit, but he didn't break his eye contact with Nate. Nate stood up and moved closer to Callen sitting down on the coffee table repeating his words again until he was certain they stuck, "You're not unwanted and you're not unloved." Callen started shaking, his heart started pounding and his breathing was labored. He was holding back the tears, but still he did not break eye contact with Nate. Nate barely blinked sitting on the coffee table in front of Callen. Once more he repeated his words softly and soothingly to Callen, this time it would stick. "You are not unwanted and you are not unloved."

Callen fell forward, head in his hands. This was his breaking point, this was the first time in his life he had ever out right cried and still he would not let Nate see him this vulnerable. He cried for the childhood he never had, for the friends he lost, for the family he always dreamed of and for the life that was taken from him at such a young age.

Nate felt Callen's pain. He knew the feeling of being rejected by the people who were supposed to eternally love you. Nate put his hand on Callen's shoulder and put his head down, tears falling from his eyes as he wept with Callen for himself and for Callen's loss.

If there was any question as to their bond of brotherhood before Callen arrived at work it had been solidified in this moment. Nate and Callen would build a friendship as strong as brotherhood from this moment forward through the rest of their lives.

Minutes, that felt like years, passed between the two men as they comforted each other. Eventually tears turned into laughter, which turned into making fun of one another which ended in silence. Nate sitting back in his chair looking at Callen, Callen looking at the coffee table, Nate spoke calmly, "How do you feel?"

Callen smiled, thought for a moment then spoke, "I feel ok. I know I'm loved and wanted and that's enough for now."

"So," Nate said with the hint of a grimace on his face, "Did I answer all your questions regarding the briefing tomorrow?"

Callen laughed and Nate chuckled. "That and then some. I think I'm good to go Nate."

Nate smiled, "Yes you are." Callen was ready to go back into the field. He finally cleared his psych eval and Nate suspected from this day forward he wouldn't have to worry about Callen's evaluations or debriefs anymore. Callen trusted Nate and Nate believed in Callen.

Callen stood up to face Nate, "How's the rest of my team doing Nate?"

Nate stood up to face Callen, "They're ok Callen. You know I can't divulge anything they tell me."

"I would never ask you to Nate. I trust you." Callen said turning to leave.

Nate hesitated, wondering if it would be ethical to ask for Callen's help at all. He figured as long as he didn't break any confidence it might be ok. "Wait Callen." Callen turned around to face Nate. "I know Sam will work this out in his own time, but Kensi could use a little push."

Callen smiled, "I'll see what I can do."


End file.
